Our President Needs Help Communicating

I need some help. Please, it's for the children...and my next memoir or two.

[Originally posted on IMAO]

We are facing a very difficult crisis in this country, which culminates in the ultimate outcome of the election in November. It is the possibility that our beloved president might be cast out of office prematurely by the forces of evil, greed, more evil, and woman-hating racist bigotry. And evil. And rich white people, who are evil. You might ask how this could be? The answer is that most Americans, something like 99%, all of whom love our dear leader, plan to stay home during the election.

But how can this be?

It is simple...our dear leader did not communicate to us well enough. It's our fault really, as The One cannot be expected to always speak in terms that us common people can really understand. When he starts saying things like numbers, and math, and words that end in -ly or aren't contractions, we easily are confused, and we don't know what to think. You see, as long as the welfare checks keep on coming, we think everything is OK. But it is not OK...our dear president can't undo all of the evil greedy woman-hating racist bigotry that ensued during eight years of the Bush in a mere four years.

I mean, he still has to create a lot of jobs, because Bush sent most of them to China, since that is what evil greedy woman-hating racist bigots do: send jobs to China. Now, I don't personally know anyone that actually likes jobs, but they are something that is needed here in America, because something..something.

Anyway, it is up to us to get the word out and to spread the president's message, in simple speech that us regular folks can actually understand. To do this, we need to translate it. One thing that has to be done is to remove numbers and anything that sounds like math, because normal people don't understand or even care about math...since it is some useless thing that annoying nerds came up with anyway. For instance, instead of telling people that the unemployment rate is "8.2%", we should say "the unemployment rate is really little". 

Or, instead of admitting that the national deficit is "over sixteen-trillion dollars", we should simply tell people that the national deficit is a made up thing with fake numbers, since nobody ever heard of "trillion", because Republicans made it up. 

Another thing we need to do is to parse down the explanations of why things aren't all that great. Instead of explanations about deficits, and budgets, and spending, and economic climate or any of that nonsense, we should just be saying that is is basically Bush's fault. Because that is what all of that fancy stuff actually means. I wish the president would just say that more, but he is a noble person and doesn't like to blame others, even when it is warranted.

Finally, the message that Obama might be kicked out of office like this, pretty much in a coup since we did vote for him last time basically so he could be president for at least eight years, needs to be told to everyone. I think a lot of people just don't know that Obama might not be their president anymore after next January. If they did, they would probably turn out to the polls in droves.

And more importantly, they need to know who he might be replaced with...a Republican. That's bad enough, but this particular Republican is part of the 1%, and is greedy, rich, evil, a woman-hater, a racist, and a bigot. Like more than regular Republicans I mean. And I also heard somewhere that he is a nazi. And possibly a devil-worshiper, and a sorcerer that can give people cancer on a whim. Worst of all, there is even a possibility that he doesn't pay his taxes. That is a pretty big claim, and it might not be true, but we should still warn people about it, just in case.

I think we've kind of let Obama down for not doing all of this earlier. We kind of voted him in, and then just went back to eating Cheetos, smoking pot, and playing video games like normal Americans like to do. Instead, we should have been there for him, helping him spread his message. Now it's time we get out there, spread the word, maybe burn down a few Romney signs, fill a few vans with homeless and/or illegal immigrants and/or dead people to go rock the vote this election, like we did last time.

It's for the children...