Creating a Gender-Neutral America

Associated Press: The White House is severely troubled by the recent  turn of events in Sweden wherein the Swedish government has spent $16,000,000 in the pursuit of gender neutrality, replacing the gender specific pronouns with the non-gender specific pronoun ‘hen’ and prompting Sweden’s largest toy manufacturer to produce a gender-neutral toy catalog for Christmas. 

 Obama had this to say about the affairs in Sweden: “It shames me to see America falling behind in this ongoing gender race.  With me at the helm, America should be leading the world on all the progressive fronts."

He continued: "We’ve spent 50 years trying to feminize America, but that has clearly been insufficient.  We must do more.  I was meeting with the National Organization for Women just this morning about this crisis, and we agree that if men will not soften and embrace their feminine side and embrace the new gender-neutral matriarchy, then we will need to wage a war on the Y-chromosome.  Toward that end, federal scientists have invented a special codpiece that when worn will radiate the testes and cleanly, harmlessly and painfully eradicate all sperm containing the unwanted chromosome.  All women who wish to reproduce will be required to have this codpiece installed upon their significant other.  Men deemed unsatisfactory for breeding will be interned in camps in Montana where they will be allowed to play video games and eat artery-clogging food for the remainder of their lives.  It is my goal as President to achieve a gender-neutral utopia, and this plan will move us toward that end."

Timothy Geithner has weighed in on the economic benefits of this approach: “The elimination of men from society would certainly provide the economic stimulus we need to restore growth in the American economy.  Without the men to restrain them, the shopping sprees will be unending.  The shoe, fashion and cosmetic industries will boom.  The use of credit cards will increase exponentially.  It will be a Keynesian Wonderland.  Furthermore, since it is established fact that women are paid only 70% what men make, by removing men from the workforce all businesses will see an immediate reduction in personnel costs by 30%, and the savings on sexual harassment lawsuits will be even greater.  I don’t see why businesses didn’t see these advantages in the past and voluntarily push the men out.  It just makes good fiscal sense.”

And Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say regarding the foreign policy implications of this new initiative: “It's like Sally Field once said.  Men have been responsible for so much evil and bloodshed in the history of the world, I can really see no downside to this approach.  Instead of warring, our foreign policy will consist of gossiping, talking behind of the backs of the leaders we don’t like and not inviting them to our diplomacy parties.  As the Swedes would say in their gender-neutral fashion: hen-pecking.  Worst case, when we’ve all become in-synch globally, war may only occur for about one week a month, which is a huge improvement, and it won't be over something as trifling as oil or national interests.  It will be about important stuff like free birth control and botox.  My lady parts will love this new America.  And yours will too.”