Facts About the First Thanksgiving

I was helping my son with his history assignment last night about the first Thanksgiving, and it turns out the Department of Education has done it again and revised the history.  We are slowly losing our heritage to the Department of Information.  Can Newspeak be far behind?  I took my son and shared with him some of the little known facts about the first Thanksgiving that his history book isn’t telling him.  Here are those little known facts.  Share them with your loved ones on this special occasion.  A people who have forgotten their past have no future.

·         At the first Thanksgiving, PETA protestors showed up and threw red paint on the Native Americans’ eagle feathers and deerskin clothing.  To accommodate them, for the next Thanksgiving, the Native Americans came dressed in PETA skins.

·         The Native Americans at the first Thanksgiving were actually portrayed by Caucasians from the Screen Actors’ Guild.  This was a union requirement at the time.

·         Elizabeth Warren’s ancestor was present at the first Thanksgiving.  To the Native Americans she was known as Waehoeowehaheehaoesoeiwe, which loosely translated means retarded-weasel-sticking-popcorn-up-nose.

·         After a bountiful harvest, the pilgrims and Native Americans celebrated with a ‘peace pipe’ party.  Since Cheetos and Twinkies hadn’t been invented yet, they had to staunch their munchies with a huge feast.  Thanksgiving was born.

·         The first Thanksgiving dinner was followed by the first ever match between the New England Patriots and the Redskins.  It was a blood bath.

·         While this tradition isn’t carried on any longer, the first Thanksgiving involved a gift exchange.  The Native Americans gave the pilgrims deerskins and wisdom.  In return, the pilgrims offered them alcohol and slot machines.

·         Following the first Thanksgiving, the pilgrims soon discovered that when the natives used the phrase it ‘takes a village,’ it had nothing to do with child-rearing and everything to do with taking a village.

·         At the first Thanksgiving, Moonbeam Proctor threw a fit and ran off with the poor turkey claiming that eating it would be cruel.  After eating the turkey, both the pilgrims and Native Americans put Moonbeam in the stocks and took turns punching him in his hippy face.

·         At the first Thanksgiving, no one ate the yams or squash either.