Secretary of State Kerry Reporting for Duty

Looks like my man in State has a new boss, but his leaks continue.  He made it into John Kerry’s office and, using the old pencil trick again, has discovered Kerry’s goals for the start of his new job as Secretary of State.  Here they are.  If you thought Hillary was a disaster, just you wait.

·         Report for duty.

·         Learn how to type, take dictation and make coffee.

·         Make a fake reset button for Putin.

·         Find Lactose the Intolerant’s mole in the State Department and destroy him, curse them both.

·         Work on toning my thighs and butt to get the most out of the sure to come quid pro quo harassment.

·         Find out where Benghazi is so I can be sure never to visit there. Far too dangerous.

·         Subtly try and find out exactly which state I am secretary of.   I hope it’s not Texas.  I don’t want to be Bush’s secretary.

·         Lobby to get my outdated title changed to Administrative Assistant of State.

·         Learn how to use the copier.

·         Round those Swiftboaters up for some victory waterboarding.

·         Get caught up on Downton Abbey so I can get used to that Australian language and culture before my trip to the Emerald Isle.  I hope they still have the Lord of the Ring sets up.

·         Make sure that Hillary’s salary was only 70% of what mine will be.

·         Read the Jimmy Carter book so I can remember how Carter brought peace to the Middle East, and then do the same thing again.  I can’t believe no one thought of this already.

·         Trade Joe some shiny marbles in exchange for some foreign policy advice.

·         Get Teresa on the no-fly list so she can’t come along when Menendez takes me on the tour of the Dominican Republic.

·         Figure out which people have to pass away before I become next in line for the Presidency.

·         Buy Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions.  It’s funny.  And it’s for charity.