Grayson Proposes Suspending Florida

AP (Miami) – In the wake of several kindergarten students being suspended for making soap, fingers and even Pop Tarts into shapes resembling guns, Florida Representative Alan Grayson has decided that the school zero tolerance policies don’t do enough to solve the rampant problem of pretend gun violence.  Representative Grayson is proposing that the United States formally suspends the state of Florida until such time as the state no longer resembles a gun. 

Representative Grayson provided this rationale for his proposal.  He stated, “Ever since last month when my imaginary girlfriend left me for my imaginary friend, it became very clear to me that imaginary things can be very hurtful and traumatic, and I realized that the great state I represent looks like a giant firearm.  I can’t begin to imagine how traumatic and intimidating it is to all of the other states that have to deal with us.  We are a big, giant pretend gun constantly leveled at them.  Now that I’ve realized this, I am constantly afraid that I might accidentally do something that may cause the state to go off and pretend to harm the other innocent states, or, heaven forbid, the state misfires and I accidentally imagine killing myself.  I mean, I spent hours yesterday driving frantically around the pan handle just to reassure myself that the safety was on.  I never could find it.  I can’t even sleep at night.  And now, every time I see that gun nut Rubio looking at me, I can just tell he is imagining what it would be like to shoot me and grind me into his chorizo.  Our zero tolerance policy must be applied to this state.  I don’t know how, but we cannot rest until Florida no longer resembles a gun.”

Colorado State Representative Evi Hudak was quick to formally back Grayson’s proposal.  As part of her statement, she said, “Statistics are on our side.  Even if the other states try to rape, rob or otherwise brutalize Florida, most likely they will just disarm the state anyway.  And Florida isn’t even a real gun.  I say we change the borders to remove all ambiguity.  I think we should make Florida look like a rape whistle. That is a much more effective deterrent than a firearm anyway.  If that doesn’t work, Florida can follow the rape prevention advice of Colorado State University by vomiting, urinating or telling the other states it is menstruating or diseased.”

Grayson also insists that the fact that Florida resembles a weapon could also prove to pose non-imaginary threats to its inhabitants.  Dennis Rodman, recently returning from his visit with Kim Jong Un, said that the dictator admitted to him that once when he was ronery and drunk he got so afraid of Florida because of its shape that he ordered his only nuclear weapon to be fired upon it.  Fortunately, the rocket died after less than fifty miles and the dud warhead fell harmlessly on a prison camp, but there are other crazy dictators in the world that get drunk and look for reasons to blow up the United States.

The Miami Dade Police Department also appears to agree with this assessment.  The Police Chief, speaking on another topic entirely, stated, “Today there are many pretend guns that look almost exactly like the real thing.  As a police officer, if we see what looks like a real gun pointed at us, we have to assume it is real and respond with lethal force.”  Representative Grayson agrees and lives in fear that the police may begin to fire on Florida before they realize the threat is only pretend.   How can the state even drop its weapon and put up its hands?  This is just not a risk he is willing to take.