Obama Applauds and Follows Example of Massachusetts Principal

AP – (Washington DC) – Following the lead of the ground breaking Ipswich Middle School Principal David Fabrizio who cancelled his school’s annual Honor’s Night because it might hurt the feelings of those who didn’t make the honor roll, President Obama has decided that in the name of fairness and equality he needs to reevaluate his Presidency and make some similar changes.

When asked for details, President Obama had this to say:

“The actions of this brave Principal and his empathy for those, probably a lot like me and himself, who didn’t work hard enough to get good grades have made a deep impact upon me.  For the first time I can begin to understand what it would have been like for Mitt Romney to lose the last election to me, a certified incompetent.  It must have really hurt his feelings to have lost, and the blow it made to his self-esteem is likely incalculable.  It’s just not fair that he worked that hard to be President and didn’t get the reward.  I considered sending him a participation ribbon, but that didn’t seem to be enough.  Since I believe in fairness and equality of outcomes and unwarranted self-esteem for all, I have decided that the only fair thing I can do it to split the Presidency with Mitt Romney.  I’ll be contacting him so we can work out the revolving schedule that would work best for both of us without compromising my tee times. 

“But that still isn’t enough to resolve the overall unfairness of our winner-take-all Presidential election system, so I will be proposing a Constitutional Amendment to remedy this problem where everyone who wants to run for President every four years will just share the Presidency and split up the time spent working. It’s for the children, really.  How many young kids were told they would be able to grow up and be President one day but never achieved that goal?  Now they all can.  And I’d like to expand this system to the entire Congress.  Maybe William Buckley can finally have his dream, and America will be governed by the first 200 names in the phone book.”