Hot Off the Oppressors

Meanwhile, in Ukraine, a country primarily known for exporting unpronounceable names, Parliament has impeached President Viktor Yanukovych. Apparently, impeachment means something different there than in the United States, where somehow, a president's obvious misconduct enabled by his wife primarily results in said spouse’s automatic eligibility for high government office. 

On his way out of Mezhyhyria this morning, President Viktor Yanukovych evidently tried to get rid of a lot of documents kept at the luxurious estate. Opposition leaders who are now in control of the mansion say they fished documents out of the Kyiv Sea that leads to the Dnipro River and are drying them in a hangar. Some of them reportedly involve journalist Tetyana Chornovol, who blames Yanukovych for ordering her Dec. 25 beating in retaliation for her investigative reports of his alleged corruption. The treasure trove also reportedly includes expense invoices for construction work at Mezhyhyria, a blacklist of journalists and a list of license plate number of cars that Chornovol drives.

A blacklist of journalists? This type of behavior merits impeachment? Heck, it’s not like Yanukovych promised the most transparent administration in history.

The president says, “I am not planning to leave the country. I am the legitimate president and I am not going to resign.” But, as of this writing, his whereabouts are unknown. There was, however, an unconfirmed sighting of the ousted leader at a local golf course, where he would, by executive decree, be safe from harassment from pesky journalists and malcontent proletarians.

Luckily, Yanukovych was deposed before he was able to implement a plan to put government investigators in news outlets across the country, ostensibly to study “critical information needs.”

Judging by recent trends, I predict seeing a threesome on a desert island featuring Yanukovych, Venezuela’s Nicolás Maduro, and another world leader soon. I’m talking about golf, obviously. What did you think I meant?

Okay, so I’m just too lazy to ‘shop a SI swimsuit cover, and I’ve just eaten lunch. Anybody for a fishing trip to the Potomac?