Big-Breasted Blue-Eyed Blondes

Not just a wildly popular Google Images search string!

I’m not sure about the rest of you out there, but most of us middle-aged-ish males (and this isn’t limited to “white American males” either) are ever-thankful that young, big-breasted, blue-eyed, long-haired blonde (YBBBELHB) women everywhere have basically no concept of the power they wield… because if they ever got a clue, they’d end up ruling the entire world in no time.

Hat Tip: Sports IlluswhatwasItalkingabout?

You may be asking yourself “Why is Hunter writing about ‘young, big-breasted, blue-eyed, long-haired blondes?” to which I have to reply “Must I have a reason???”

But alas,  I do have one.

Current Impetus:

I recently got sucked* into a Twitter argument with someone who claimed, among other things:

• The phrase "blondes have more fun" is "imperialistic conditioning", and therefore Asian women who go blonde do so because they are conditioned.
• The idea that “white people can only enjoy something when the lead character is white” is what’s wrong with movies.
• The mentality that "white Americans are the center of the world" is why racism still exists.

@SantasTavern WoC go blonde out of "instinct" & courtship? Brilliant White supremacist essay except your lies arent even based on real logic
— Professor-Solo (@Trend_Breakers) May 2, 2014

(Translation: WoC = Women of Color.)

The above tweet was in response to me giving a polite heads-up over at Atomic Monkey Action Squad that I was going to write this very post (which is now VERY belated - I meant to have this out WEEKS ago, but you know - "Life"). Given its brief (for me) length, and the contents of the rest of the note, I can only assume it was this one paragraph which earned the stunning appellation of a "Brilliant White supremacist essay except your lies arent even based on real logic". 

I'm sorry, Professor-Solo, but you're profoundly wrong about that. WoC's motivation to go blond is rooted in the interplay between basic biology and the "signaling" manifestations impacting courtship rituals. And by "rituals" here I do not mean social constructs - not at all. I'm talking about instinctive behaviors.

Backstory: Sine Qua Non

You, dear reader, are kinda catching this in-flight movie mid-flight, per se, so rather than go all the way back to the beginning, let's instead just pick up the thread where it started to get interesting (at least to me)...

I had read some vague statement about "liberation", and replied by saying "Liberation is great! Uh, who exactly do you need to be liberated from?"

@SantasTavern @CurtisCFEE @greencircleas @suey_park I dunno, the numerous accounts of white-imperialistic propaganda in our daily media?
— Professor-Solo (@Trend_Breakers) April 20, 2014

 
As you might guess, that didn't really clear things up for me...

You might wonder why I bother.  Frankly, so do I.  I guess this is just a subject I’m passionate about!

Early on in our "discussion", I pointed out that what he's calling "white-imperialistic propaganda" on behalf of the media, others just might call "playing to their audience", but of course that got me nowhere and only gave me a tiny bit of satisfaction because it apparently pushed stomped on one of his buttons.  Forgive me if I don't reproduce here the sudden string of rebuttal tweets he sent me, which ended (?) with one saying he was "done" (though I'm pretty sure I've received more since then).

Hat Tip: Zero G, Sir Isaac Newton, and Sports Illustrated

Speaking of "on behalf of the media", I could scarcely believe someone managed to get me to argue on behalf of the media! Me! I may not hate the media more than anyone else on Earth - I mean, I haven't met everybody much less performed a comparative analysis, but still - I've surely got to be up in the 1% of media-haters, right?  

As I prepared to launch into another series of nearly-abusive responses I suddenly thought better of it, demurred for a bit, then remembered my tragically delinquent posting record here at NukingPolitics HQ. It occurred to me everyone might be better served if I instead hammered out an appreciative ode to awe-inspiring YBBBELHBs, explaining malekind’s helpless attraction and the phenomena’s innate non-politicality. And by the way, I am referring here to pretty much “all men”… I’ve known gay men who were (at least to some degree) attracted to hot young blond women, even if they weren’t their primary interest. For the sake of privacy I can’t go into specifics, but in one case I can say that while the story isn’t over, at least most of the chapters have had happy endings**.

Hat Tip: New York Post

It all has to do with what is often referred to as “signaling”.

Any questions so far?

Q: Yes – I have one! Oh, and this is Ben – long time reader, first time caller…

A: Thank you, Ben. What’s your question?

Q: Oh! Yes, uh, do you have any more content-relevant pictures of Kate Upton you can use to illustrate your points?

A: Great question, Ben! Thanks! And the answer is Yes! Yes I do! But Ben, please note that I'm not going to concentrate SOLELY on Kate Upton - that wouldn't be fair. There are plenty more gorgeous blondes out there!

Now, speaking of "fairness", before we go any further I must remind you that Life Isn't Fair. 

• Life isn’t even barely fair. 
• Not even CLOSE to being fair. 
• Nor should it be, at least in almost all cases outside the court system.
  

How many times have you heard of things – and especially of people – being described as “not better or worse, just different”?  Well guess what? Most differences arguably provide advantages (which is probably why the differences came about and/or were perpetuated). Of course what for one segment of the population is an advantage represents a disadvantage to the rest who lack whatever it is we're talking about.

Speaking of the media, although the Duke boys strongly disagreed between themselves on the subject...

...I'm certain their nemeses Louis Winthorpe III and Billy Ray Valentine would agree with me when I say that in most walks of life one’s social upbringing, i.e. the culture you’re raised in, tends to be of supreme importance in shaping who you are than is your biology. 

 

This is one of the several reasons I can honestly claim to not be a racist (much less a white supremacist); almost every activity or behavior that a group of people engage in is rooted in their culture, not their genes, and the proof of this in shown by people who were adopted out of their native culture as infants and raised in a different one.

Admittedly this is only true to a point and then nature undeniably takes over.  That you are male or female is one of the best examples. Of course documenting the nigh-infinite variety of interactions between men and women is far beyond the scope of this post, as is even a high-level categorization of them. So I simply have to ask you to please recognize as true the following “givens”:

1. People compete for mates, and thus they likewise compete for "mating opportunities" regardless of whether or not any actual mating ends up taking place. (I.e. two young men will bark and growl at each other over a woman at a bar, even if that results in a high likelihood she ends up deciding they're both jerks, leaves with her girlfriends, and neither guy ends up getting lucky. And the guys won't learn from this object lesson either.)
2. Competition creates winners and losers.
3. Competition is greatly affected by the natural advantages and disadvantages present within those doing the competing.
4. The degree of benefit realized by most differing traits will vary by circumstances, so what may at one point be an obvious advantage is often a disadvantage in a different situation or environment.
5. People from all walks of life HATE to admit, even to themselves, that they are disadvantaged in any way. They feel that those who hold such an advantage over them do not deserve it, did not earn it, and that therefore there's some sort of injustice involved.
6. True things are true, whether you like it or not.

Hat Tip: The entire continent of Antarctica (and SI too, I guess).

I started in on the research, just to make certain I could back up the points I was trying to make...

 Then I thought "wait a minute... since when did documentable facts win arguments with Liberals?  I certainly can't remember a time...

Plus, I could already tell that no matter how much eye-candy I sprinkled through the article, this was shaping up to be one of my more drawn-out, rambling posts, therefore it would probably be wise to not stuff this thing full of long-winded quotes and scholarly references.  Face it, if you've read this far, it's probably for the pictures and maybe - just maybe - to pick up a clue or two regarding this "signaling" thing.


So let’s talk about young, big-breasted, blue-eyed, long-haired blondes in terms of “mates”, because that’s really the whole point of why I’m writing this, isn’t it? 

Yes. Yes it is. 

Women – all women – make the best mates (from a biological standpoint, in terms of being able to conceive and bear children) when they’re YOUNG. Sorry, all you middle-aged guys out there struggling with the internal mental embarrassment of being attracted to women WAY too young for you – hopefully in a non-Amber-Alerty-way – but that’s just the facts on the ground.  Young women may not make the best conversation partners, but guess what? Your body (and most of your brain) isn’t looking for conversation partners; it's looking for someone with whom you can joyfully crank out babies.

Therefore, it is not due to imperialistic conditioning that “gentlemen prefer blondes”. It is due to that fact that unless a blonde woman possesses some fairly rare Icelandic or Norwegian genes, her hair will darken over time. Historically, light blond hair was a pretty sure-fire indicator of youth. Even if a man’s prefrontal lobes aren't aware of this, the rest of his brain and many of his glands certainly are.

So to directly answer my antagonist’s statement of “A WoC would not seek an ethnically unnatural hair colour dominent(sic) to white people is not instinct. Its imperialist propaganda.” I must say "Wrong! Yes they do! Because it sends men the false signal of youth, that’s why."

It isn't about wanting to appear WHITE, it is about wanting - in a very fundamental and instinctive way - to appear YOUNG!

I want to sidestep the "Exotic = Erotic" argument some people (erroneously IMHO) make regarding blondes being desirable precisely BECAUSE they have an ethnically rare hair color, by saying just two things:

• Attraction to the exotic can be initially quite strong, but in general is short-lived due to it being replace by the familiarity that comes with experience.
• If you Google "Mahabharata Blonde", you'll get over a million hits, and believe me - Draupadi was no Anglo, nor did she have a modern media concern trying to convince the public otherwise.

This is NOT a new phenomenon.  It doesn't matter one whit to most guys' instincts if they know with their conscious minds that any woman of any age can dye or bleach their hair blonde - their instincts remain "blonde = young" in terms of judging attractiveness and desirability. 

The desire to "go blond" is not limited to just women of color. Non-blonde white women also often fall prey to the same school of thought regarding mate attraction strategies.

For example, below is Her Royal Highness Princess Madeline of Sweden, slightly overdressed for my tastes, back when she was a hot young single "blonde":

Mads Sinistral Sejant Regardant

Mads Affronté Sejant, Habited (eh, somewhat)

This, on the other hand, is Princess Madeline of Sweden, a good bit older, out for a walk with her husband in New York City, having wisely ditched the whole "blonde" thing back before she got married:

Mads Contourné Passant, with mate

Of course, some women change their hair color frequently, and can pull off almost any look they desire.  The immensely talented Kirstie Maldonado (from Irving, Texas - Yay!), of the a cappella band "Pentatonix", both sings and looks beautiful as either a blonde or brunette:

Pentatonix

While we're at it, let's look at some other key signaling items NOT directly related to being a blonde.

Long Hair:

It is NOT due to cultural bias that historically men have preferred their maidens to have long hair. Wives and crones can cut their hair short – no problem, but for those who are “little more than girls”? They should have long hair. Why? Because long hair is a visible resume of health!  Healthy people sport luscious, vibrant shining locks while the sickly exude flat, dull, lifeless strands.  A girl with a beautiful flowing mane unconsciously shouts to the world “I’m healthy, and I have been for a long, long time.” Naturally, men pick up on this.

Just as in the case of hair dyes, it doesn't matter the slightest bit to a man's instincts if he knows there's an entire aisle or more at his local big-box store devoted to women's hair care products, or even that the latest advances in wig technology are fairly impressive, deep down inside he'll still helplessly equate long luscious locks with long-term health.

Blue Eyes:

When men and women behold someone they like, their eyes dilate. If you are looking at someone who is looking back at you, and the irises of their eyes are open wide, the complex subconscious cues-and-feedback mechanisms at work within your brain will notice, and will place a little imaginary check mark in the "Positive" column of your mind's running checklist. This is NOT the result of years of white conservative conspiracy! But this is why romantic restaurants have dim lighting – it forces your pupils to dilate, and since your brain listens to your body, it receives the recursive internal message “Hey! My eyes dilated! I must be interested in her!... Well what do you know! Her eyes dilated too! She must be interested in me! I’m having SUCH a great time! We’ve GOT to come back to this restaurant! It could be our favorite place!”***  Consequently it is much easier for a man to pick up such cues from women with light-colored eyes such as blue, blue-gray, and non-hazelish-green, than it is for him to register such a response from a woman with dark eyes. (The counter-argument that dark-eyed women should have this advantage at all times seems somewhat logical, but strangely does not appear to be true.)

The Original Postpartum Source of Comfort, Sustenance, and Love:

At last we come to the breasts!**** 

Big breasts are NOT better milk producers than medium or small ones. They are NOT less prone to cancer. Also, strangely, they do NOT even offer such a substantially increased level of protection in the rare event of a face-first fall as to constitute an evolutionary advantage.  Overly-large breasts can even give a woman a lifetime of back problems.  

So why are big breasts considered beautiful? 

Even moreso, why are they not just merely considered "simply beautiful”, as opposed to magically bewitching attention-magnets, the barest sight of which can steal a man’s breath away and turn even the brightest genius into a drooling, gear-stripped, brain-slammed-into-neutral, gibbering idiot (who is deliriously happy to be that way)?   

Well, two reasons actually, the first of which is shared by ALL adult human female breasts regardless of size, and without respect to their owner's hair color. 

1. The only instinctive human interface is the nipple.
   All other interfaces have to be learned – but this one is in the genes. Even before an infant has first nursed, it keenly “knows” the source of food, warmth, safety, and thus multifactoral pleasure. Men like breasts – all breasts. 
2. Big breasts sag when they age, and therefore big beautiful firm pert breasts are a sure sign of youth (or a huge cosmetic surgery bill), because it isn’t oppressive Western cultural conditioning which makes breasts begin to yield to the demands of gravity over time. Again, this isn't new - after all, the brassiere hasn’t been around forever.
   

Recall that we’re focusing on “signaling” here.  There is a reason T-shirt makers print their messages right across the chest, and it isn’t just a strict matter of available real estate. Amongst the many delightful synonyms for big breasts, one of my favorites is “headlights”.  Breasts shine with an imaginary light of their own, not visible to the naked eye, but radiating straight into the male brain regardless. Breasts are “out there” both literally and figuratively. They demand attention, and attention they GET, even when their owner might not desire it (Hey! My eyes are up HERE buster!). 

The "mysterious" appeal of big breasts seems to sharply divide the female population. For men, those scare quotes are warranted because there's really no mystery involved at all. 

Guys, has this ever happened to you?  

You're walking along with your woman and suddenly the Outer Universe contracts without warning, vanishing inward until all that is left is a narrow tunnel terminating with a divine vision of mammary wealth (thus the term "tunnel vision"). Fortunately the affliction is only momentary, passing along with the well-bestowed babe heading the other direction.

You're proud of yourself. You didn't stare, you didn't even flinch. You just kept walking. Little did you know the real test had yet to start.

"Tsk!" a familiar feminine voice scoffs.  "Did you SEE that? Those were SO fake! I don't understand how men can like breast implants!" 

THIS is the time when you must not trip! Keep walking straight ahead, and if you can't help but swing back to look, cast your gaze wildly around as if you have no idea whom she is talking about, and (truthfully - since the instigator of this disruption is moving away from you) make it obvious that you can't see what she's talking about.

Some women actually get this. They understand fully. Were this not the case, there would be no breast-implant industry, much less a thriving one.  But for the rest of you ladies, I have to ask: Why is this such a mystery to you? Fake breasts? You already know that we guys even like and will happily stare at giant CARTOON breasts, so "fake-real" ones have you baffled?  Really???

Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock...

I mentioned earlier that an advantage can become a disadvantage in different circumstances.  This is expressly true of young, big-breasted, blue-eyed, long-haired blondes when they grow to be not so young anymore. 

 THIS. IS. KEY. 

We're not talking about ANYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with "white supremacism". If blonde hair - our main subject, and big breasts - which I threw in because this is also true for them (and because I like writing about them), didn't up and treasonously turn on their owners over time, they wouldn't be dating/mating advantages to start with!  

Time is the fire in which we burn.
 - Captain Picard

Even though YBBBELHBs will retain the benefits of having blue eyes, and provided they keep their health then they can wear their hair long for as long as they like. But their hair will darken and their breasts naturally sag over time, and they will often feel something akin to panic when their bodies which once commanded the helpless attention of all males within sight begin betraying them by announcing to the world that they’re getting old and aren’t the top candidates for motherhood anymore.

Let's look at the flip-side of this coin

Remember that it is the fact that (most) blonde hair darkens over time that makes having blonde hair an advantageous indicator of youth... Well, another way of looking at this is that brunettes age better (or at least less dramatically).

This is gorgeous Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, in what I'm guessing was 1998 (The Mask of Zorro), at which point she would have been about 29, along with another picture taken a good bit more recently:

This is gorgeous English actress Freema Agyeman, back when she was a companion for the 10th Doctor*****, and more recently:

Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't include one of my favorite, beautiful, Conservative leading ladies - Sarah Palin:

Hat tip: Gage Skidmore

Rock on, Sarah!

The future seems bright for these ladies, aging-wise.  None of them should ever feel the need to go blonde, but you never know - stranger things have happened!

Speaking of stranger things happening...

I don't have the figures handy, but at a rough guess I'd say there are approximately billions of young ladies out there, all growing up quickly, all in competition with each other (whether they know it or not). The vast majority of them are (thank God) interested in MEN. But, as we all know, the Chaser - the Seeker in the Eternal Drama is typically the male. And he's typically clueless.

So guys:

• Compliment her hair.
• Notice her shoes.
• Try not to stare too long or too often at her breasts. Forcefully limit yourself to something less than "all the time".
• Lose yourself in her eyes.
• And on occasion - even if there's no "occasion" - be sure to bring her chocolate.

BABYMETAL "Gimme Chocolate!!"

Finally, contrary to the recent Washington Redskins brouhaha, I'm going to suggest you not go looking for racism, not be so sensitive that you constantly misinterpret others by force-filtering what they say through your own biases (and then blame them for the misunderstanding), and that you recognize the plain verbal mathematics behind the statement "if you don't let yourself get offended all the time, you'll be much happier in life."

But what do I know? I'm no prophet or sage... 

I only know I'm a gentleman, and yes - I do prefer blondes.

---

* …and not in a good way…

** …and I don’t mean that as torrid innuendo – I mean things actually turned out well.

*** Such a wonderful PR gain at the mere cost of saving a little electricity.

****  ...a phrase which in my youth resonated almost with the impact of “and then God spake, saying…”, and still resounds with power to this day.

***** Really? Do I actually have to explain who "Doctor Who" is?