Rome Berns

Apologies for my lack of contributions in recent months. I’ve been slowly working on a short animated feature that, when eventually posted, will go viral and make me a million bucks have most sensible people chortling with glee, and TV scientists and politicians either wickedly inspired or calling for my head. I’ve just completed a sort of Easter egg that will be part of the decor within the brief video. The inset feature stands on its own, but it’s on double secret probation until the entire thing is finished. Until then, I will only share the link privately if you ask nicely and pinky swear not to reveal to your friends the perfunctory, rather predictable ending. I’ll presume upon Keln to forward any email requests to me.

At one point during the last week of July, a puff of privileged white smoke will rise from the chimney of the embodiment of socialist doctrine, the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia. That ashen wisp will signify either the definitive nomination of a Democratic presidential contender, or the immolation of one last hard drive filled with classified correspondence.

A post on Bernie Sanders’ Facebook page seems to suggest a tacit endorsement from none other than the Pontifex Maximus himself.

“Well, kid, Uncle Bernie's gonna fix dat for ya, see...”

Mr. Sanders just got back from visiting Rome in an attempt to woo voters there and gain the Vatican’s coveted 23 electoral votes. Actually, he’d been invited there to a conference called “The Urgency of a Moral Economy,” at which he denounced the abuses of capitalism, saying, “At a time when so few have so much and so many have so little, we should reject the foundations of this contemporary economy as immoral and unsustainable.”

At that point, to the astonishment of the crowd, a vulture landed on the podium and attempted to disembowel the senator from Vermont. After a cadre of Secret Service agents managed to subdue the confused scavenger, who merely thought he’d found the rotting corpse of an ideology that had apparently been put out of its misery over the course of the previous century, Sanders used the situation as a teachable moment — he forgave the poor creature, and suggested it could serve as a fitting mascot for his administration’s Treasury Department. 

While Sanders described his only encounter with Pope Francis during his visit as “a real honor for my wife and I to spend some time with him,” the head of the Holy See saw the brief gesture as merely a common courtesy, saying “I greeted him with a handshake, and nothing more.”

Bernie and the Pope (coming to CBS this fall, right after The Big Bang Theory) seem to be on the same page when it comes to topics like the redistribution of wealth. But I’m pretty sure the latter party is less inclined to enforce his ideology at gunpoint. And I would bet that Sanders, or nearly anyone else running on the Democratic ticket, wouldn’t be invited to Rome for a convention focusing on the sanctity of preborn human life.

By the way, I’m still waiting for Hillary’s whirlwind tour of the United States’ diplomatic and military facilities around the world, showcasing her legacy as best Secretary of State in the history of everything. Imagine the thrill as she visits enthusiastic troops aboard a naval destroyer, while Russian attack jets buzz the ship, dropping “reset” buttons on the deck in a lighthearted gesture of camaraderie. And what’s the holdup in reopening that embassy in Libya, huh? That would make for a great photo op.

Also during his speech at the conference, Sanders declared that America’s youth “are not satisfied with the destruction of our environment by a fossil fuel industry whose greed has put short term profits ahead of climate change and the future of our planet.” Shortly afterward, he and his family hopped back on the Delta 767 he chartered to fly back to New York, expending another 16,600 gallons of unicorn urine jet fuel. A 767 carries nearly 24,000 gallons of fuel — enough to fill up the 1,500 1968 VW buses in the parking lot of a typical Sanders rally.

Finally, speaking of vows of poverty, I’m just curious, 99-percenter Bernie fans — what did the menu look like on your last flight?

.@BernieSanders is about to take off for NY. We've been served a menu for the 9 hour chartered flight he's taking pic.twitter.com/1nR15R3aQQ

— Yamiche Alcindor (@Yamiche) April 16, 2016