Classic Lactose: SCIENCE! with Lactose the Intolerant

This post by Lactose the Intolerant was originally published on April 12th, 2013.

Well, don’t spread this around, but I happen to be a scientist/engineer in real life, which is probably why I try to avoid real life.  But it’s science fair time of the year again, so it’s time to help the kiddies design some meaningful projects.  Then I thought to myself, I might as well try to get some of my ill gotten gains back from the feds in the form of research grant money.  These are the research projects I’m going to submit, but there is a trick if you want federal grant money these days.  See if you can figure it out.

·         If I fertilize my cannabis sativa with a proprietary combination of cocaine and methamphetamines, can I produce a super drug, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         At what concentration can she taste the roofie, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Once she’s had black, can she be convinced to go back, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Does inadequate food cause North Koreans to be more lonely, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Is it just as satisfying to box the ears of an Obama clone as it is to box the ears of the real Obama, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Can an Obama clone be raised to be an intelligent conservative, or is his stupidity inherent to his genes, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Do the lifespans and progeny of Pelosi and Reid justify reassessing modern evolution in terms of the survival of the least fit, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How many stones does it take to get to the center of a radical Islamist, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How many ounces of soft drink would prove fatal to the average Michael Bloomberg, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Can we get kids to eat the more nutritious school lunches if the vegetables are fertilized with a proprietary combination of cocaine and methamphetamines, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Which is the easiest and most economical way to get some Sudafed? Trying to get the drug store to sell you some or buying crystal meth from the guy in front of the drug store and making your own, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Does the consumption of dog meat significantly reduce the intelligence in part white males, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How many fashionable hats can be made from the pelt of a single baby seal, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How much clean, steam-generated power can be produced from a spontaneously combusting Chevy Volt, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         If we increase the percentage of corn ethanol in our gasoline by 2%, how many starvation deaths will be caused in third world countries, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How many brain cells are killed per second of exposure to Accidental Racist, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         How much carbon dioxide is produced to support one of Obama’s family vacations, and what effect will that have on global climate change?

·         Would buying Uncle Sid’s Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions make your life more fulfilling? Only one way to find out, but I guarantee it won't affect global climate change.